Tag: bad mood

Poor motivations for gaming – No 1. Not wanting to deal with negative emotions

~ Sarolta ~ 1 Comment

In my post Gaming – How to put kids in control I wrote about the research we carried out: our four sons kept a journal of their motivations to game, their emotions before and while gaming each time they started to play a computer game. Observing themselves this way they concluded:

  • Gaming is most fun if they play with friends, and
  • Gaming does not feel good if they start it to forget negative emotions or to postpone a task.

They thought that they would be in control of their gaming if they would always start playing for the expectation that it would be fun. When they are not in control, they start playing for one of these reasons:

  • suppress negative emotions,
  • postpone a task or
  • pass the time.

In this post I will discuss the first of the reasons, i.e. not willing to deal with negative emotions.

When your teen decides to play a computer game instead of processing a negative emotion, he suppresses that emotion, leaving it unprocessed. Unprocessed emotions lead to stress. So what does it mean to process an emotion? How does one know whether an emotion has been processed? We think very often that we have dealt with an emotion and still it keeps coming back. Again, I did some research and found some useful information.

Here is how we process an emotion:

  1. Turn toward your emotions with acceptance: become aware of the emotion and identify where you sense it in your body
  2. Identify and label your emotion: “This is anger” or “This is anxiety”
  3. Accept your emotions: don’t deny the emotion. Acknowledge and accept that it is there.
  4. Realize the impermanence of your emotions: even if the emotion feels overwhelming, remember that it will pass.
  5. Inquire and investigate: ask yourself: what triggered me? Why am I feeling this way?
  6. Let go of the need to control your emotions: be open to the outcome of your emotions and what unfolds.

source: https://www.gottman.com/blog/6stepstomindfullydealwithdifficultemotions/

So this is when you can submit to your emotion and act on it. However, it’s not always possible. For example, I don’t think I want my 15 year old son to beat me up or scream into my face when he’s angry at me. So how do you process emotions that urge you to do something that is not acceptable? You change those emotions:

Processing emotions

 

The most important step for teens is to understand that processing their emotions is just as important as physical exercise. They have to find time for it: when lying in bed alone with their thoughts and emotions, or sitting on the backseat of the car, or walking to school.

 

Teen school break negativity

~ Sarolta ~ 1 Comment

Noe (15) shows up to late for breakfast. He is morose, mean with his brothers and won’t talk to us. He keeps saying that he doesn’t feel like doing anything at all. I read somewhere that you cannot change their moods. But why keeps he saying it to me? In my reading this is a call for help. So I suggest:

Why don’t you go for a run or do some yoga?

He answers something that is more like a bear’s bawl and means “get off my back” to me. I go on explaining why I think that would help. He walks out of the kitchen where I was tidying up.

Clearly, I didn’t handle this in the right way. But he comes back again after a while to complain about his bad mood. This time I know what I have to ask:Morose teen boy

Noe, would you like to get out of this negativity?

He does want to get out of it he says.

So what can you do to get out of it? – I’m genuinely curious if he can think of a solution (that I haven’t thought of).

He’s thinking. Then he says:

I guess the only solution is to go for a run.

And so he did. He was doing much better when he came back. And I’m amazed how powerful it is if you ask real questions, if you’re open for any answer.